Read Acts 9:32-34…
Peter heals a lot of people in this story. There’s so many healing stories in the Bible where people miraculously can walk again or they come back to life. I have no doubt others have struggled with this passages for centuries. I have no doubt that my resent pregnancy loss is what is triggering my distrust in these verses.
I want to trust in God. I want to love and adore my Creator, but it is so damn hard when I don’t understand the WHY. Why was my pregnancy not fit to be a normal pregnancy? Why must I suffer through this? Why must my spouse, who is nothing but a kind-hearted, loving human being, who has never wanted to hurt another soul?
Why couldn’t I experience this sudden and miraculous healing?
I’m literally in tears as I write this. Tear as I type these words. Tears if I stop a few moments to think about everything that I have gone through in exactly two weeks. And then I get jealous. Not just of people who have had healthy pregnancies, but of people who have had healthy miscarriages.
God, why oh why couldn’t you just give me a NORMAL miscarriage? Where is my healing to even that level?
So yeah, you can say I’m angry at God, but mostly I’m in mistrust of God. I feel as though I can search all I want for the answers, and I won’t ever find them, that I’ll have to learn to live in this gray area of unknown. And I don’t like that. I don’t like it one bit. I want answers. I want to know why I’m one of fifteen hundred, which is the entire population of my WHOLE COUNTY.
Why am I the one?
Why can’t Peter have come and healed me or my baby?
How can I learn to trust someone I feel so deceived by, even when I know–logically–that God wasn’t the one who deceived?
Will I ever know the power of Peter’s healing hands?